Parents Are Freed to Call the Shots

From the Central Texas ISD Media Department:

PRESS RELEASE

Bowing to political reality, Central Texas High head football coach Wally Aweless announced he has reassigned longtime assistant coach Hank Staubach to the junior varsity and hired 33-year-old local education critic/concerned parent Karen Sniffy to serve as assistant head coach and offensive coordinator for the 2023 season.

“As they say, you can’t fight city hall, and I’m sick of trying,” Aweless said. “I guess I’d have a stronger case to argue were it not for the fact that we finished 4-6 last year, not even good enough to make the piddly, watered-down UIL playoffs, and for that, I am supremely embarrassed. Let me read from my notes here: With help from the Governor and the Lt. Governor, I now realize our problems are not in our abilities as coaches, or in our marginal talent pool, or even in our dilapidated facilities that won't allow us to develop talent, even if we had some, which, as any fool can see we don't. Our problems stem from thinking that we as coaches know better than the parents screaming at us from the sidelines, inasmuch we work with these kids all day every day for nine months a year and they don't, but still. We now know that we must partner with parents, not push them away.”

After wiping his mouth with his handkerchief, Aweless said he hopes his decision will end the adversarial relationship between coaches who know the difference between a 3-4 and a 4-3 defense, and critics who barely know the difference between punting and kicking, and he promised big changes are ahead.

"Come hell or high water, either Mrs. Sniffy or her husband or one of her kids will be calling all the offensive plays for the first two games," Aweless said, then dropped the microphone and walked away.

The team opens the 2023 season against nationally-ranked Austin Westlake, then perennial state crown contenders Lake Travis, Cedar Park, Dripping Springs and Vandegrift, the 2022 6A Division II state runners-up.

Sniffy is the mother of six and a former seventh grade cheerleader at Seashell High School, where she earned her GED. An assistant manager at Hobby Lobby, Sniffy said she expects to turn her full attention to football right after Halloween, which her children are not allowed to observe because, she claims, it is Satan's holiday.

Sniffy also chairs the committee to organize and conduct next fall's anticipated book burnings.

“You wouldn't believe how many pornographic books are in elementary school libraries alone," she said. "I won't stand for it. Junior high and high school libraries are even worse. We won't stand for it. Any book that might in any way cause any student a moment’s worth of doubt about the big things or discomfort by suggesting that America under Republican leadership isn’t the greatest country in the history of the world, well, we'll reserve a place at the bonfire for it!"

As for her job as assistant coach, she said, "I'll fix this football thingy dingy when I get around to it. I do think it's possible to double up. You know, a combo bonfire/pep rally. Call me crazy, but I can see it now."

State Rep. Clayton Gascon applauded Aweless’ decision and called Sniffy an American hero.

“Finally, we celebrate the end of the field house cabal that is owned by the special interests,” Rep. Gascon said. “These coaches cater to students with talent and drive and leadership skills. And what happens to the other kids? They're forced to transfer to private schools, which is why we need vouchers, but that's a battle for another day.”

With the new legislation, parents may now move to oust the head coach if they dislike what he or she does in regards to preparation, player selection, or game planning and management.

“This legislation gives flexibility to parents to make decisions that best serve the interests of their child, even if it conflicts with the interests of other parents," Gascon added. "Don't worry. It's complicated. We'll iron out the details later. The bottom line is this: We're pulling back the curtains and revealing how these whistle-blowing sideline tyrants thwart the desires and ambitions of good and decent parents who know in their heart of hearts that their child is good enough to one day quarterback the Dallas Cowboys or, at the very least, the Texas Aggies."

Season tickets go on sale Monday.