Thank you. Thank you so much. I know how much you’re going to miss me. How much the country, the world, has come to admire me, but, as they say, all good things have to end. In 11 days, low-energy total loser Bernie Sanders becomes the new president. All the lies he told about me. I had no chance. It was rigged, I can tell you that. From the beginning. Half his votes came from Mexico City. That’s been proven by Breitbart. The other two thirds came from California. You know who’s in California, right? Hollywood. Are there a lot of gays out there? [jerking his arms around and holding his right hand at an angle] I don’t remember.
But, you know, there’s never been a better president than me. Everyone agrees. I am the greatest ever. Washington. Lincoln. George Jefferson. The things I did. The things I accomplished. Many things. So many, I can’t even tell you all the great things I did, about how I made America great again. Incredible things. I’m now thinking of that Beatles song, Golden Showers. [sings] “Sleep pretty darling, do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby.”
Beautiful song. They don't write songs like that any more. Paul McCartney, a very good friend of mine, wrote that. For me. Wonderful guy. Big fan of mine.
But let me tell you who’s not a big fan. The lamestream media. So corrupt. Total losers. Turn around and look at these scumbags. There they are. The worst of the worst. Everything I achieved, and it was a lot, I got it done in spite of these dishonest liars who refused to do their jobs of blindly supporting me. Instead, they printed what I said even though I didn’t say it, I never did, that way because, and I’m sure you’ll agree, that saying something isn’t the same as thinking it, but they printed it anyway. Fake news. All the time. That’s all it was. Fake news from liars, except for my dear friend, Sean Hannity. Where are you, Sean? Is Sean here? I don’t see him. Anyway, thank you Sean. You are a great American.
I want to thank another great American, my wife, who’s been by my side for six months, Natashya Zubkov Trump. Stand up, sweetheart, and let everyone get a look at ‘chu. Do I know how to pick ‘em or what? Look at that ass. Amazing, isn’t she? Just turned 19. Who would ever believe that six months ago, she worked at Trump Tower in Moscow? Sweet girl from the southside of Rostov. We met a year ago. Six months. A year. She’s so smart. Highly educated in the entertainment industry. Thank you, sweetheart. You are my best friend, the mother of our child, little Donalika. The most beautiful child ever. I can tell you that. She’s going to be a real star. If she weren’t my daughter and only two months old, perhaps I’d be dating her myself. No, seriously.
I also want to thank my dear friend, Vladimir, the great leader of the Russian people. A man of the people, whom I have great respect for. A statesman and patriot and strong leader. Very strong. Always working to improve the lives of the Russian oil billionaires. Like me, he came from nothing to become so rich, so powerful, so strong.
I grew up on the mean streets of New York City, a poor kid from Queens. So poor, my dad was forced to buy and sell tenements so I could attend military school and dress up in a soldier costume, and I would have been a great soldier — the best ever — and I would fought for my country if I hadn’t had bunions or a cold sore, but I did my duty at home, buying and selling tenements and cheating people out of their life savings. Those were hard times for me and my first and second wives, maybe even my third wife. I don’t know. I get lost. First, second, third. Hard times, though.
So hard. So I took a tiny loan from my father and became the world’s most successful businessman AND celebrity. Never been done before. Unbelievable. No one more successful. Everything I touched turned to gold. Trump Airlines. Trump University. Trump Ice. Trump Vodka. Trump magazine. Casinos. Hotels. Atlantic City. The list goes on and on. Every deal an unbelievable success.
And why? Because my IQ. Highest ever. Off the charts. My doctor told me once, “Donald, your IQ. Wow.” You all know it, so you begged me, “Donald. Mr. Trump. Please make America great again.” I must have got a billion tweets from Alabama, Kentucky, the Florida Panhandle — all over. “Only you can save us now.” You know, the people of the South, the real people, the real Americans. They love me.
So, I decided to run for your President, and boy, did I kick the shit out of them all. Mister Mario. Huckleberry Finn. Carly. Kasich. Christie. Johnny Carson. Lyin’ Ted Cruz. All of them. Good people though, even Ted, who finally came on board. I just tried to appoint to the U.S. Supremely Court but the liberal scumbag media reported, wrongly, I might add, that the President doesn’t have the power to appoint a justice to the Supremely Court. They said it was in the Constitution. It’s not.
You know that. Everyone knows that or else they wouldn’t ask me all the time, “Why don’t you just appoint someone like Ted Cruz to the Supreme Court?” I gotta tell you, I would have appointed Ted Cruz a long time ago, but his wife — whoa — what a dog! Disgusting. Trust me, he can do much better.
Where was I? Oh, yea. I then defeated Crooked Hillary, in every way possible — in the debates, in the popular vote, on the campaign trail, everywhere, total landslide like they haven't seen since what? Reagan and Humphrey Bogart? But Hillary. Such a nasty woman. And crooked. Low energy too. She didn't have the stamina to keep up. She spent all her time studying. No wonder she lost. All that studying. Crazy. She was nice, though, afterwards. I gotta give her credit for that. Crooked, but nice.
So, I came into office promising to drain the swamp and build a great wall along our southern border, and send the bill to Mexico and ship all the rapists and murderers back to Guacamole, and defeat ISIS, and abolish Obamacare, and reduce taxes, on the super-rich, anyway. And it all seemed possible until the media and Bernie Sanders and that fat, pig Elizabeth Warren got involved, and then pretty much everyone else outside of Texas turned against me, so I was forced to compromise on some of my more ambitious plans, like giving the national parks to Exxon-Mobil. Not my idea, but I liked it. Where’s Rex? Is he here? No? Great American. From Texas, a great state.
So I compromised, bigly. As you all know, no one is better at compromising like me. I have been compromised so many times, you wouldn’t believe. Trust me. You can’t imagine.
I also want to talk to you tonight about race relations and income inequity and bigotry. Did I mention radical Islam? Bad hombres.
Moving on, democracy, Democracy is a big word. Very special word. America loves democracy. I love democracy. Because I love the Constitution. No one respects the Constitution more than I do. No one knows it better than I do. It is a gift to the American people — particularly those of us who make upwards of, oh, let’s say, $50 million a year. But for all Americans, it’s very precious. You know that. I don’t have to tell you that. It’s valuable. This is what I mean when I say “American values.”
Values are so important. For example, my business colleagues and all the lobbyists, and all the agents of foreign countries trying to do business in this country that I made great again stayed at Trump Tower in New York during my four years in the White House, and I can assure you, each and every one of them got a great value. A great American value. I mean, a room like that in Midtown? Unbelievable. Best deal in New York.
But what does the media report? That I made money keeping my now ex-wife at my hotel in New York. Total lie. Fake news. Never happened. She’s not my wife any more. I mean, she was a 10. Once. Now’s she’s a nine. She just didn’t have the look or the stamina any more. She’s gotten a bit large too.
Anyway, I made a few dollars on the deal, not that I know anything about it. I don’t. But it was a great deal, and when Trump is great, America is great, so never let it be said that I didn’t keep my promise to make America great again. As you remember, the nation was on the brink of total collapse when I took office. Sharia law was about to be declared in Oklahoma. UN takeover. All babies, about to be aborted. Ripped from the womb. It's true. Every word. Total disaster. Then, I did for the nation what I've done for my many business partners over the years.
So, you're welcome. I want to thank my friends and associates and even my enemies, who have opposed me because they are jealous of my women and my money and my long, slender fingers and my hair. I don’t blame them. I’m jealous of myself, that’s how handsome I am. I’m the best looking president of all time. Better than Kennedy. Better than Dwayne “The Rock” Eisenhower. My looks are unpresidented. That’s the beauty of me.
But now, I must say farewell. The American people have spoken, and the military refuses to join me in a bloody coup, so I want to leave you tonight with one final thought, watch “The Apprentice.” Thursday nights. ABC. Don’t miss it. Unbelievable.
Until then, see you on Twitter. Love.