The Joy of Living Like a Refugee

Aboard “The Beast” on its way north out of Saltillo toward the U.S.-Mexico border at Laredo.

Manuel: Hey man. How’s it going? Nice ride, huh?

Pedro: Super fine. Diggin' the fresh air.

Manuel: Where you coming from?

Pedro: El Salvador. Took a bus up with the wife and kids, then hopped a train in Oaxaca. Thought we had booked a sleeper but turns out we’re forced to ride on the top of this railcar. No problem though. It’s all good.

Manuel: Same here. By the way, I just got a Yahoo News update. The U.S. government is handing out $775 checks to migrant children every day. And they’re putting the adults up at the Hyatt in McAllen. The pool there is fantastic, though I would have preferred South Padre. Maybe by the time we get there? Anything is possible in the Land of Opportunity.

Pedro calling out: Hey, America. You had me at 'Yes.' But seriously, Yahoo?

Manuel: The things we do for love.

Pedro: Well, I am about to love me some U.S. taxpayer generosity. Don’t these crazy gringos know we’re coming across to steal their jobs and then murder and rape? What’s their problem? It’s all over talk radio.

Manuel: It’s not all Americans are so stupid. Just the liberals. Thank God for them. Otherwise, we would have to remain in our shithole countries, which really aren’t that bad anyway. I mean, I’ve only lost four children to gang violence. Not bad, all things considered.

Pedro: Yes, but if we had stayed, we would have had to work to earn a living. It's better to come to the U.S. and live off the welfare system.

Manuel: Trump said it best. It's about compassion.

Pedro laughs.

Pedro: One little girl is photographed crying, and they fall over each other to get this child into Harvard. I know that’s true. I saw it on the Laura Ingraham Show. Yale is already holding a spot for her.

Manuel: Hey, this photograph. I happen to know it was taken at an ice cream store in Austin. She wanted chocolate. Not strawberry. That’s all. She’s not even Hispanic. Those skinny legs. She has to be Syrian or Lebanese. It’s so Photoshopped.

Pedro: Totally contrived, but, whatever. I plan to ride this burro til it drops. I have 13 more children in San Salvador, waiting at the station. And I told them, “Don’t bring nothin’ but the clothes on your back.” After all, we’re can’t show up at the border in Ralph Lauren with our iPhones and Game Boys, can we? What kind of message would that send?

Manuel: Very smart thinking. Incidentally, when the gringos ask me what kind of free appliances do I want for my new apartment in downtown San Antonio, should I go with Frigidaire or Maytag?

Pedro: Hold out for Bosch or LG. And make sure they include the extended warranty. 

Manuel: Gracias. I don’t care what Tom Petty sings, it’s good to live like a refugee, no? 

Pedro: Ahh, mi amigo. Si, Bueno!