Donald Trump’s Farewell Speech, January, 2020

Thank you. Thank you so much. I know how much you’re going to miss me. How much the country, the world, has come to admire me, but, as they say, all good things must pass. In 11 days, total slob Elizabeth Warren will become the new president. I know. I know. Sad. All the lies she told about me. I had no chance. It was rigged, I can tell you that. From the beginning. Half her votes came from Mexico. That’s been proven by Breitbart and InfoWars. Everybody knows. The other two thirds came from California.

You know what else is in California, right? Hollywood. Are there a lot of gays out there? [Jerking his arms around and holding his right hand at an angle, voice quivering.] I don’t remember.

Little joke. [Hired stand-ins howl in laughter, applaud wildly, chant "Lock them up! Lock them up!"]

No, there’s never been a better president than me. I am the greatest ever. Tremendous. In four years.  Washington. Lincoln. George Jefferson. The things I did. The things I accomplished. Many things. So many, I can’t even tell you all the great things I did, about how I made America great again. Incredible things. I’m now thinking of that Beatles song, Golden Showers. Beautiful song. They don't write songs like that any more. Paul McCartney, a very good friend of mine, wrote that. For me. Wonderful guy. Big fan of mine. Best of the Beatles. Lennon, I didn't like so much. Over-rated. And his wife, oh my God. A dog. He could have done much better. Trust me. Much better.

But let me tell you who’s not a big fan. Never way. So corrupt. The lamestream media. Total losers. The most dishonest people on the planet. Turn around and look at these scumbags. There they are. The worst of the worst. Everything I achieved, and it was a lot, I got it done in spite of these dishonest clowns who refused to do their jobs civilly of blindly supporting me. Except Fox. And my dear friend, Sean Hannity. Where are you, Sean? Is Sean here? I don’t see him. Anyway, thank you Sean.

Instead, the lamesteam media kept showing video me say things that I never said. Never did. It was all a lie. Fake news. You know that. Besides, saying something isn’t the same as thinking it. There's a difference. Big difference. I know. I studied it. No one knows more about this than me. But CNN and NBC and the rest of them — except Fox — showed it anyway. Liars. Everyone one of them. I wish I could just punch them in the face, starting with that dyke on MS-PMS or whatever. So unAmerican. Total loser.

Where's Sean? He here yet? You are a great American.

I want to thank another great American, my gorgeous wife, who’s been by my side now for six months, Natashya Zubkov Trump. Stand up, sweetheart, and let everyone get a look at ‘chu. Do I know how to pick ‘em or what? Look at that piece ‘ah... Amazing, isn’t she? Just turned 21. Who would ever believe that six months ago, she worked a blackjack table at the new Trump Tower and Casino in Moscow? 

Sweet girl from the southside of Rostov. We met a year ago. Six months. A year. Two. She’s so smart. Highly educated in the gaming and adult entertainment industry. Thank you, sweetheart. You are my bestest friend, the mother of our child, little Donaldika. The most beautiful child ever. I can tell you that. She’s going to be a real star. Huge. If she weren’t my daughter and only two months old, perhaps I’d be dating her myself one day. No, seriously. She's a 10.

Of course, many of you continue to ask, "Where's Melania?" I cannot tell you that. She returned briefly to her native country, and she hasn't been seen since. Of course, I mourned. She was once a 10. Once. Then, she became an eight. Maybe a seven. She just didn't have the look or the stamina any more. She got a bit large too. A cow. Disgusting. But she disappeared, and we move on.

That reminds me, I also want to thank my dear friend, Vladimir, the great leader of the Russian people. A man of the people, whom I have great admiration and respect for, to whom I am indebted, bigly. A true statesman and patriot and so strong. Always working to improve the lives of people. Not all, of course. But some. Some people, you can't help. Losers. But Vlad, he came from nothing to become so powerful, such a great leader. Who does he remind me of? Let me think for a second. Hmmm. [Hired attendees chant, "Trump, Trump, Trump!] 

You're too kind. True. But kind. Thank you. I grew up a poor kid out in the hinterlands, the wilderness. We barely had enough money to pay for a chauffeur. My father was forced to buy and sell tenements in Queens and in the Bronx so I could attend military school and wear a soldier uniform, which I looked, by the way, absolutely fantastic in. Unbelievable. Trust me. And I would have been a great soldier — the best ever. A general, probably. 

And Vietnam? I was denied a chance to serve my country in a time of war even as the country cried out for a real leader who didn't get captured and tortured in a Hanoi prison.  And I would have answered that call if I hadn’t had bunions or a cold sore, so I was classified 4-F — the only "F" I ever got — but I served my here, in New York, buying and selling tenements and getting laid by the most beautiful women in the world all the time. Those were hard times for me. Very hard. Very, very hard. [Hired attendees woo-hoo, applaud wildly, leer and grab at a nearby pussy.]

So I took a tiny loan from my father and turned it into a fabulous fortune like none the world has ever seen, and in no time, I rose to the top of my father's company, which was an amazing feat. Never done before. And I became the most successful and famous businessman. Ever. Again, never done before. Unbelievable. No one more successful, more famous. Everything I touched turned to gold. Trump Airlines. Trump University. Trump Ice. Trump Vodka. Trump magazine. My hotels and casinos in Atlantic City. The list goes on and on. Every decision an unbelievable success. No wonder I've been on the cover of Time magazine like, 25, 30 times. More times than anyone else. Ever. Not even Washington or Lincoln have been on the cover as many times as I have. What does that tell you?

And why? Because my IQ. Highest ever. Off the charts. My doctor told me once, “Donald, your IQ. Wow.” So, people beg me, “Mr. Trump.” It's always, Mr. Trump. Never Donald. Please make America great again.” I must have got a million tweets from Kansas alone. “Only you can save us.” You know, the real Americans out working two, three, four jobs, they love me because I’m like them.

So, I decided to run for your President, and boy, did I kick the crap out of them all. Rubio. Hillbilly Mike. Dog-face Carly. Kasich. Light-weights, all of them. They were haters, once, but they came around. Even Carson and Rick Perry, both of whom joined my cabinet even though neither one knew upside down from Adam's apple. And Ted Cruz. Oh, jeez. What a scumbag and a liar. Still, I tried to appoint him to the U.S. Supremely Court, but the liberal scumbag media reported, wrongly, I might add, that the President doesn’t have the power to appoint a justice to the Supremely Court. They said it was in the Consternation. It’s not. [Hired attendees boo fiercely.]

You know that. Everyone knows that or else they wouldn’t ask me all the time, “Why don’t you just appoint someone like Ted Cruz to the Supremely Court?” I'll tell you why I didn't:  His wife — whoa — what a pig! Disgusting. Trust me. He can do better too. Not much, but some. Total Yoko. 

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yea. I then defeated Crooked Hillary, in every way possible — in the debates, in the popular vote, on the campaign trail, everywhere, total landslide like they haven't seen since what? Reagan and Walter Mundane? But Hillary. Such a nasty woman. And crooked. Low energy too. She didn't have the stamina to keep up. So weak. She spent her time studying. No wonder she lost. All that studying. Crazy. She was nice, though, afterwards. I gotta give her credit for that. Crooked, but nice. Bit of a moron too. Really boring in person. Bill could have done a lot better. Trust me. ["We love you," hired attendees chant, somehow in perfect unison.]

Thank you. Thank you for that spontaneous display of affection. I came into Washington promising to drain the out-of-control swamp and build a great wall along our southern border, and send the bill to Mexico and ship all the rapists and murderers back to Guacamole, and defeat ISIS, and abolish Obamacare, and abolish the EPA and slash taxes — on the super-rich, anyway. And it all seemed possible, but the media, those lying scumbags, kept printing lies about what I said or did, so then pretty much everyone else outside of Texas turned against me, so I was forced to compromise on some of my more ambitious plans, like handing the national parks over to Exxon-Mobil. Not my idea, but I liked it. Where’s Rex? Is he here? No? Great American. From Texas, a classy state. Nobody respects Texas as much as I do. I love Texas. I love Texans. If it were up to Texas, no compromises.

But, I had to, so I compromised, bigly. As you all know, no one is better at compromising than me. I have been compromised so many times, you wouldn’t believe. Trust me. You can’t imagine.

I also want to talk to you tonight about bigotry and injustice and income inequity. Did I mention radical Islam? Bad hombres. [Hired attendees boo fiercely.]

Moving on, democracy, Democracy is a big word. Very special word. America loves democracy. I love democracy. I love the Consternation. No one respects the Consternation more than I do. No one knows it better than I do. It is a gift to the American people — particularly those of us who make upwards of, oh, let’s say, $50 million a year. But for all Americans, it’s very precious. You know that. I don’t have to tell you that. It’s valuable. This is what I mean when I talk about “American values.”

Values are so important. They're guaranteed in the Consternation. For example, my business colleagues and all the lobbyists, and all the agents of foreign countries trying to do business with my administration found that my hotel, the Trump Tower in New York, had the best food, best beds, hottest showers, hottest cocktail waitresses. As far as values, each and every one of them got a great value. A great American value. I mean, a room like that in Midtown? Unbelievable. Best ribeye in New York. Peter Luger's? Keens? Delmonico's? So weak. No one goes there anymore. They're all terrible. But Trump Grill? The best. 

And what does the media report?  That I used my position as President to enrich myself, that I profited. That I broke the Consternation's Emollient Clause.  Total lie. Fake news from haters. Never happened. Anyway, I did OK on the side, not that I know anything about it. I don’t. But it was a tremendous deal. Unbelievably great, and when Trump is great, America is great, so never let it be said that I didn’t keep my promise to make America great again. 

As you remember, the nation was on the brink of complete collapse when I took office. Sharia law was about to be declared in Oklahoma. UN takeover. All babies, about to be aborted. Ripped from the womb. It's true. Every word. Total disaster. Lot of challenges and hardships. 

So, I transferred power back from the government to the American people, the forgotten men and women who, because of unfair tax laws and regulations, couldn’t afford a new private jet or even a summer home in Colorado because they were forced by the government to offer their employees health insurance, which is socialism. Communism. But I stopped it. [Hired attendees woo-hoo, chant "Trump, Trump" in strangely perfect unison.]

So, you're welcome. I want to thank my friends and associates and even my enemies, who have opposed me because they are jealous of my women and my money and my long, slender fingers and, of course, my hair. It's natural. 100 percent. The haters, I don’t blame them. I’m jealous of myself, that’s how handsome I am. I’m the best looking president of all time. Better than Kennedy. Better than Dwayne “The Rock” Eisenhower. My looks are unpresidented. Terrific. That’s the beauty of me.

But even though I won the 2020 election — the popular vote by 70, 80 percent, at least. Everybody agrees. It was stolen. It was all rigged against me. No way I was going to win — I very classily accept this decision. [Hired attendees weep, howl, rip at their shirts, tear out their hair.] And will continue to accept it unless the generals join me in a bloody coup, if that's what it takes. 

If not, then I leave you with one final thought: “The Apprentice.” It’s coming back and hugely, I might add. Thursday nights. ABC. Don’t miss it. Unbelievable show. Fantastic. Very fantastic. All the critics, they agree. Five stars. Six. Most stars of all time.  So, don't miss it. I will make American television great again. 

So, thank you. You're beautiful. God bless you and thank you. God bless America. ABC. Thursday nights. Watch it. [Hired attendees woo-hoo, clap wildly, stomp feet, never see a dime from Trump. Ever.]