Thursday, November 4, 2010

The People Have Spoken

The people of Texas have spoken, and this is what they said:

We’re morons.

We're mean and dumb, and if you think you’ve seen the worst of it, you’re kidding yourself. We’re just getting our knuckles dirty. Our Governor-For-Life Rick Perry is FED UP. All Texans except the hippie scum at the University of Austin are FED UP. We’re tired of government spending and deficits and unelected federal czars and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, none of which existed until that big-eared Kenyan got the gay teachers and unionized pipefitters to rig the election so he could turn America into a Soviet Union that embraced don't ask/don't tell rather than organized crime.

Well, we took care of that.

We just elected ourselves a Hummer full of bonafide abortion-hating, queer-baiting, stimulus-vacating, Bush tax cut-sustating, socialist health care-negating, true blue Jesus-exaltating Ronald Reagan conservatives, and we’re going to drop-kick all the Nancy Pelosi Femi-Nazi Democrat libs back to San Fran Weirdo and unshackle the Great State of Texas to run its own affairs without marching orders from Washington DC or Al Gore or the EPA.

Like our Governor-For-Life says, “WE are FED UP with all things FEDERAL government,” with the minor exception of Social Security and the Border Patrol and, of course, military bases, and NASA, and the Brooke Army Medical Center and all those military trucks being built in Sealy and the high-tech defense industries that keep Collin County’s upper-middle class employed and driving expensive foreign cars and voting Republican and able to pay for their trophy wives' liposuction and Chai Tea Lattes. All of that, we’re glad to keep and let our grandkids pick up the tab after we're gone because — HA! The joke’s on YOU, dumb ass. We have that whole trillion dollar deficit thing figured out, and there won't be a federal deficit in six months because we’re going to slash everyone's taxes and extend the Bush tax cuts on the oppressed top 1 percent until around 2096, and the deficit will to shrink faster than Obama's approval ratings, just like it did under Mr. Reagan.

Meanwhile, the Civil Rights Commission and the Education Department and the Labor Department and FEMA and National Public Radio and especially the EPA had better duck and cover 'cause we're about to uncork the nukes on them.

Ditto for cap and trade, which we don’t even understand but have been told by Rush and Sean that it’s bad for business, and since Texas is hands down Number 1 in job creation and carbon emissions, we figure carbon emissions must be good for business too. It's called co-relation. Look it up.

We don't know and we don’t care what would have been capped and what would have been traded, and we certainly don't know what carbons emit or even what a carbon is, but whatever carbons are, it must be part of God's mysterious plan that they emit something, and besides, there's no where in the Constitution that says a damn thing about capping and trading, not even women or Indians or illegal immigrants, so if our Founding Fathers weren't worried about this, why should we be? You think Noble Prize-winning scientists who are perpetrating these myths about ice bergs melting and polar bears drowning are smarter than George Washington and Benjamin Jefferson?

By the way, the climate changes all the time in Texas. There's nothing unusual about that. It was hot here a month ago. Now it's not. Hello?

Doesn’t matter anyway. Global warming is just another Mackey Availian hoax for socialist/fascist/communist do-gooders to boss us around and tell us we can't shoot our assault weapons in the city limits toward I-10 during rush hour and how much trans fats Burger King can drizzle on our super-sized freedom fries and whether we can dump used motor oil and transmission fluids into the same creek on our neighbor’s property where we've been dumping oil and transmission fluids for like 25 years.

Well, that’s a recipe for pure perpetual slavedom if there ever was one, and we are fed up with being in a perpetual state of pure slavedom, which we have been since Saddam Hussein Obama sweet-talked his way from the Kremlin into the White House. If God tells us to pour used motor oil and transmission fluid into the creek on our neighbors property or even pour it on our neighbor’s front porch or wife or dog, that’s business between us and God. We don't need the federal government nosing around into our business.

And if my neighbor wants to shoot me dead with his AK-47 or even his bazooka, that’s his business, which just again proves that, under the leadership of our Governor-For-Life Rick Perry, Texas is open and ripe for business, so pour the Chivas three fingers high and tell BP to drill, baby, drill. It’s the dawn of a new day — possibly the best one since God created the Earth from scratch, 6,000 years ago.